In couples coaching sessions, I often name a paradox that unlocks a lot of stuck conversations:
Feeling above someone and feeling below someone are two versions of the same move.
When we feel above someone (superior) or below someone (inferior), it looks opposite but in fact it’s the same move: a way to hide…to avoid truly meeting the other person.
If I place myself on a pedestal, I don’t have to risk being seen.
If I shrink, I don’t have to risk being known.
Both keep me from looking you in the eyes and from letting you look back.
Once you see it, you can choose something truer. Real connection asks us to stand on the same ground: not more, not less. Equal dignity. Eye level.
We usually reach for “above” or “below” for the following reasons:
- Protection: Superiority armors us (“You can’t hurt me”). Inferiority camouflages us (“You can’t see me”).
- Old wiring: Families, culture, and past relationships train these postures. They feel familiar, not true.
- Control: If I’m above, I control the narrative. If I’m below, I control my exit.
Unfortunately either way, intimacy is avoided.
“Looking someone in the eyes” is literal and symbolic. It means showing up with presence, curiosity, and respect, even when it’s uncomfortable.
In short, feeling above or below are two faces of the same fear – intimacy.
The work is to meet at eye level, on equal ground, so we can actually see and be seen…Because that’s where connection and healing begins.