Today, I found myself saying something to a client that I felt needed to be said slowly… and maybe more than once:
The fact that you didn’t receive love and attention doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of it.
There’s an important distinction here, one we rarely pause to notice.
I didn’t receive attention – that’s a fact.
I’m not worthy of attention – that’s the story we often create to survive the fact.
I see this come up so often in my work with couples.
A quiet lack of worthiness that shows up as over-giving, under-asking, staying silent, or settling for less than what the heart actually longs for.
For most of us, this didn’t start in adulthood.
It started early when we were still forming our sense of self and trying to understand love through the limited capacity of the people around us.
As children, we don’t say: They were overwhelmed.
Or: They didn’t know how.
We say: It must be me.
And from there, we quietly build a map of what we believe we’re worthy of based on what we received… and what we didn’t.
We then bring that map into our relationships.
Into how much support we allow.
Into how seen we let ourselves be.
Into how much love feels “reasonable” to ask for.
But there’s a deeper truth I want to remind you of today:
What you didn’t receive back then is not a measure of what you are worthy of now.
Sometimes the work isn’t about fixing the relationship.
It’s about separating the facts of the past from the stories we’ve been living by.
And remembering gently, patiently that you were always worthy.